My 5 year old gets really angry and wants to quit when he isn’t winning. He yells, pouts throws things, and more. I try to tell him that winning isn’t as important as having fun, but it doesn’t help him feel better. And it all makes me so mad when he acts this way. How can I help him learn more sportsman like behavior?
Children need lots of time for their brains to mature in order to exhibit “good sportsmanship” behavior. And in order to learn it, they also need to see it, so modeling is important too.
He’s acting very 5, and the quickest route to a mature brain is co-regulating with a regulated adult brain: he gets upset, you maintain your cool.
You can also co-regulate with him during games, helping him take a quick break to get regulated in his body and brain again before continuing.
There are lots of tools you can teach him to help him move the anxiety through his body. He might experience it as tense muscles, nausea, anger, etc. Helping him identify the sensation in his body is the first step, and may take several months. Then helping him know what he can do when he notices the sensation: deep inhale and slow exhale (for 2 minutes), downward dog, swinging, jumping jacks, etc. He’ll have to figure out what his body needs in order to move those sensations through his body so he can then decide what he wants to do, rather than being prisoner to the sensations and fear.
Most of us have to practice identifying our body sensations. With kids we do it when they’re not having a hard time…have him put his hand on his chest and notice his breathing and heart rate, then have him do jumping jacks for 60 seconds and then put his hand on his chest and notice his breathing and heart rate again.
Then you’ll want to start to help him identify when his body is getting revved up before he gets there. So he’s playing game, taking a break to get regulated, and returning to the game. He’ll need help returning to a regulated state again and again in order to reset his autonomic nervous system.
The new book by Mona Delahooke, Beyond Behaviors, can be helpful too!
You may find it helpful to keep your cool by exploring the worries and fears you experience around his behaviors. Explore his expectations. This can help you get clarity and experience less anger and dysregulation yourself during these times.
So your best to stay present and allow him to transition through the emotions himself – it’s his work, not yours. Your work is yourself.
